The rate of divorce is increasing by the day. It seems that more people are getting married expecting to get divorced at some point of the marriage or the other. But that is not the case. At least 95% of those who get married do so expecting to stay married. No one gets married planning to one day break the union. At the same time, intending to stay married does not mean you are going to succeed. What keeps people married is putting certain keys to a healthy marriage life or building a healthy marriage into practice, not just expectations. You see, a majority of people who get married do not make any preparations that go further than the weeding day and for the few who do, they never make any preparations for what awaits them beyond the momentary veil of that event called wedding.

Before the wedding, romantic love keeps the couples going. It keeps them excited and they even look at the wedding event as the ceremony that marks another level of excitement in their relationship. However, for the unmarried men and women who only talk about marriage, fantasy is the best word to describe what their expectations are. Rational reasoning is hindered or at least clouded at this point in time. Falling in love and getting married is like falling into a deep sleep and walking into a pleasant dream world. The wedding, for most people is like the process of waking up from sleep and the entire marriage is reality. This is the part we are going to be looking at.

Almost everyone who gets married does so because of “love” and while that is normal, it is erroneous to assume that you are going to stay married because of the emotional or love attachment you have with that person. People don’t stay married on the foundation of assumptions. To stay married, you have to actually get and practice certain tips and principles for building a healthy marriage life. Lets look at some of those tips and principles necessary to stay married and could be helpful if you ever need to save your marriage.

A firm personal decision

The first thing you will need to stay married is an unshakable decision. Society and the frequency of divorce these days seems to have made a fatal attack on the very foundation of marriage. A century ago, people got married without any inclination or suspicion that the marriage could one day fall apart. They actually never expected it to. As a matter of fact, for a person to get married and seek a divorce was frowned upon by government and society so much so that those who even had a good reason to divorce found it difficult and stigmatizing to go through the process.

That is far from the case today. Most people in this century get married preparing to divorce rather than preparing to stay married. You will be surprised to learn that many people read a good number of books and legal procedure necessary for securing a divorce before getting married. Ironically, just few people take out time to see marriage counselors or even read books on marriage. That tells us what society expects these days. It is different from their wishes though. People wish to stay married, but they suspect that things may not work out as planned. So instead of working to ensure the positive stands, they focus on preparing for the negative. The result? when the challenges of marriage come, they just give in and file for a divorce.

It seems easier than fighting to keep your marriage. Or maybe it seems convenient. Make up your mind and heart. Tell your self; no matter what comes our way, we are going to stand together and honor our marriage vows to the very end. Once that decision is made, you have set a better foundation for maintaining a successful marriage life. Without this decision on both sides, the marriage is vulnerable. It is only a matter of time until you both give in to the pressure to get a divorce.

Commitment

Once you have made the decision, the next step is to be committed to building a healthy marriage life. Commitment is one of the most powerful keys to a happy marriage. The wedding may require just money, friends and family members to celebrate with you. Staying married or having a successful marriage will require more than wishes. Commitment is an absolute necessity and will be required if things ever go south and you need to save your marriage . You can start by realizing that your commitment is based on your marriage vows which are major pillars that keep the building of marriage up and running. It is not going to last a week or a few months. It will not even be an issue of a few years. Commitment to your spouse and your union is for better or worse, till death do you two part. You will have to be committed for as long as you are willing to stay married. If you want your marriage to be the “happily ever after” type, you should be committed to seeing that it happens.

Commitment is sponsored by determination. Until you are determined to stay married, it will not happen. There are people who will come against your marriage. Trying times will come and when they do, you had better be committed to seeing that things work out and that at the end of each episode, you are still happily married.

Remember there is not just going to be a husband or wife to love and take care of. You also have children and they are an important part of the family. Your commitment to your spouse and children has to take priority over everything else. Not even your job or career should pose a threat to that commitment.

Hard work

When there is commitment, hard work is bound to follow and if couples make up their minds to put in the effort required, they are definitely going to have a successful marriage. Some people say marriage is not a bed of roses. Well, that may be because they planted a different flower in their own garden. The point is, marriage is like a garden. The quantity and quality of work you do in that garden determines the richness and beauty that will be seen in it as well as how long it is going to last. It is simple; hard work is one of the most powerful keys to a happy marriage.

More than most other relationships, the marriage bond requires work, hard work to keep it going. Hard work is one of the keys to a happy marriage and you will need it if the time ever comes when you have to save your marriage.

As a wife or husband, you will have to play your role and do all that you should to keep the family together. These requirements or expectations from husbands and wives differ from society to society. In the Western world for example, household chores are done by both husband and wife and unless they have a contrary understanding and agreement, the wife pursues her career with just as much commitment as the woman. In the typical African setting and some parts of Asia, the opposite is the case. In these continents, women are typically known as house keepers. They could pursue a career or have some means of receiving income, but their role of taking care of the home is indisputable.

Women grow up in such societies knowing that getting married means becoming a cook, a nanny, and caterer at the same time. It is such a norm and so widely accepted that no one even things there could be something wrong in such a setting. Not that anything is wrong with it anyways.

The westerner, however would argue that women should be treated equally in the home. It is not a matter of going against opinions or preferring one over the other. You need to understand the setting and culture you are getting married into and prepare your mind to play the role that is expected of you. Consequently, to an African husband, hard work on the part of the wife means taking care of the family first. Cooking, cleaning and other such domestic activities. He does not expect her job to be a hindering factor. The typical African wife will regard a hard working husband as one who provides for the entire family richly. He is able to pay the bills, take of the children’s education and the need of his wife as well as the daily running expenses of the house. Of course she will assist in all these if she has a source of income but according to the woman, for the marriage to work out and last a lifetime, the man has to play the role expected of him.

Since the Western husband expects his wife to have and build her own career, he would consider her hardworking if she is committed to this. He may even see little or no problem in a wife who spends little time with the kids, so long as they can afford a nanny to do that. The Western wife on her part will agree that her husband is hardworking if he can help out around the house instead of just “resting” when he returns from work. After all they both work.

The summary of the whole issue is that every couple must understand the cultural setting that makes up their society or better still decide what they would allow to prevail as the norm in their home and work towards that. It is dangerous to get married to a man or woman and not know what they expect from you are cant come to an understanding about the issue.

Setting love ablaze as often as possible

You know that wonderful, kind of addictive feeling you have for someone when you just fall in love with him or her? Your whole world seems to evolve around the person. Nothing or no one else truly matters. At least not as much as the one you love does. When you start out dating, the flames of passion and love you have for each other keeps you together. It makes it difficult for you to allow anything come between you. You have a focus and your partner is the object of that focus.

Then you get married and no sooner is the wedding over than you begin to notice that things are not really as exciting as you once knew them to be. Worse of all, your partner is having the same experience. The average couple on encountering such an experience may try to solve the issue but most times their efforts are futile because they have no idea what the problem is.

Then they realize its time to see a counselor and if the counselor is not successful, we have another divorce case in society. The husband and his wife come to a baseless conclusion that they do not love each other anymore and upon that foundation they are ready to separate.

The problem is not that they don’t love each other any more or even that they don’t have the desire to have a successful marriage. They just don’t know how to express that love in the marriage setting. In order to save your marriage at such times, you must understand that the dating arena is different form the marriage setting. While dating, things are exaggerated and done without proper forethought. The period of dating is like holding unto an expectation of something you love. When that thing is given to you and it becomes yours, you may no longer feel the same way you felt about it when you still hoped to have it.

Love should be expressed with more passion and commitment if you have building a healthy marriage life in mind. It will also require a lot of sacrifices and caution to keep your love for each other ablaze. Unless the love and passion you have for your spouse is burning bright, it will be difficult for you guys to stay married for too long.

Repeat those little things you use to do and appreciate the aspects of your spouse’s personality that attracted you to him or her. Going out and spending time together, buying gifts for each other and helping your spouse out are things most couples begin to ignore once they are married to the detriment to their union. All these are vital to keeping love alive and that in itself is amongst the most important keys to a happy marriage.

Respect and Love

These two are important foundational pillars in any successful marriage. The problem is, most people who go into marriage without adequate preparation do not understand how they work or even how important it is to have love and show respect for each other. There is also some form of complexity around this issue which every couple should understand.

Women or wives need to be loved. Men on the other hand interpret love as RESPECT. A wife craves for attention and affection from her husband and that is what love means to her. She also likes to be respected but every wife will rather be shown affection. The husband craves for respect and honor from his wife and that is what makes him feel loved.

Sadly, because most people are selfish and self centered, they don’t care to find out what really makes their spouses feel loved so long as they get what they want. A woman who gets affection from her husband may wonder why her husband is not satisfied, not knowing that what he craves is respect and honor. Understand what it takes to make your spouse feel loved and do just that. It will go a long way to keep you married to the same person for as long as you live.

Understanding the seasons of marriage

In order get married and stay married to the same person, you must know that there are different seasons of marriage and each of them has certain characteristics. Garry Chapman reveals the four seasons of marriage as well as what one should expect and do in order successfully go through these. The marriage season of winter is characterized by anger, disappointment, hurt and all these negative issues. This is the period when couples begin to realize that they did not actually know each other or prepare for the marriage. They wonder why the excitement is no longer there and things are far from the way they use to be before marriage. Then other seasons follow and those periods are just as bright or dull as the actual season they represent.

Its not your job to change your spouse

No one has to take upon themselves the responsibility of changing any other person. Not even your spouse. Sometimes couples are self deceived into thinking they can change the man or woman they love after getting married to them. They may not take it serious when dating for fear of pushing the other person too far. After getting married however, such people mount unnecessary pressure on their spouses to change their lifestyle or certain aspects about them. One reason why everyone has to come to terms with the fact that they don’t have to take upon themselves the responsibility of changing their spouse is owing to the fact that no one can change or have any positive impact on another by mounting pressure on them.

If you make it your responsibility to change your spouse by mounting pressure on them to be who you think they should be, you will end up irritating and wearing them out. The result is, instead of a changed husband or wife, you may have a divorce file.

When one falls in love and gets married to another person, their responsibility is to love that person unconditionally and let that love change the other person’s attitude if there is need for any change. Lets take the case of a husband who loves hanging out late with friends. When he gets married and his wife makes it her decision to change this habit, she has to be very careful how she goes about it. The most effective solution to such a case is to make the house so comfortable for the man that he longs to get back home whenever he goes out.

If you decide to talk it out of him or nag about it every chance you get, you are only going to end up pushing him to stay out longer than he originally use to. Same thing for the husband towards his wife. The man who gets married to a “career woman” should know that she has spent a lifetime preparing for that career and building it. You cant or shouldn't expect her to just throw it all away because she is now your wife and need to take care of the home. And even if she has to take care of the home, you should wisely bring her into understanding your point of view and give her the chance to make the necessary changes.

It is part of tolerance. You should be able to stretch wide when it comes to tolerating your wife or husband. No matter how good the other person is, a point comes when you will feel angered. You will definitely offend each other from time to time and staying married in spite of all the shortcomings will be a result of patience and tolerance exercised. You just have to put those two into practice if building a healthy marriage life is of any importance to you.

Keep your expectations where they wont hurt

Even with couples, it is not safe to expect too much from your partners because the result is that you are going to be disappointed more times than you can count. No matter what you think about your partner’s abilities, keep your expectations realistic and leave space for any disappointments that may result. It is necessary for having a successful marriage. When problems arise, keeping your expectations in check will help you save your marriage.

When all is said and done, those who intend to get married and those who are already married need to know and apply these keys to a happy marriage.